For a long time, I felt really out of place with society. I never really cared about fitting in, I just tried really hard to not be noticed. I didn’t want anyone to comment on something I was wearing even if it was a compliment. I just wanted to be ignored so I wouldn’t have to face judgement.
In middle school, a confusing time likely for all of us, I got to be very shy as a result of this. I wasn’t afraid to talk to people, I was afraid to talk about myself. If I shared anything about myself it would put that part of me up for scrutiny, something I couldn’t handle. So I stayed quiet for a very long time.
It took a trip out of the country during college to finally realize what I wanted. A thrift store in Amsterdam, namely. The questions started flooding in, one after another. What clothes do I like? What do I want to look like? Who do I like?
Soon after, I stumbled upon Love, Simon, and then Love, Victor. I identified with both, but especially the religious aspects of Love, Victor. I realized that I had been performing for everyone else, hiding behind the shadows. I wore the clothes that I thought would blend in. If nobody complimented or insulted what I had on, it was a win.
The questions continued for another 6 months as I started piecing together the person that I wanted to be. I discovered that I was bisexual. I found clothes that made me look more like myself. I connected better with the people around me. The people that I surrounded myself with became more selective. One step at a time, I moved towards the person I felt I was meant to be.
What does it mean to get along with society? It felt so existential to me, and I felt a need to be accepted by everyone. If someone doesn’t like me, I must be wrong and I must change myself. I decided to take the opposite approach for a while, and become the person that some people hated. Nothing malicious was necessary, because being openly bisexual is enough to boil the blood of some southern Christians. I became someone who was more honest to themselves about how they felt. I realized that it was not fair to continue to lie to myself or hide from myself in order to please others. Further, society is the community you build yourself around. If someone doesn’t like you, they don’t have to be in your life. In place of that person that takes away your energy, hope, and inspiration, there is someone else who can help you become a better person that is more true to themselves.
It no longer became an issue of becoming someone who was accepted by society, but instead finding people who already accepted me and making them my society.
There will always be someone who doesn’t fully accept you in your life, and I believe that is okay. If you surround yourself with people who do, you will learn to hold the judgmental person’s opinion much lower than you once did, and allow yourself to live freely. I hope that everyone is able to find a safe community as I have, and hope you can find some comfort in this space I have started building to share and connect and grow with other people who may feel lost or disconnected and in need of community.
G