Why am I having to say this? I thought that my generation understood a little bit of nuance, however it seems that black and white thinking still has a stronghold beyond past generations. Let’s talk about it.
Recently, my friends talked to me about our mutual friend finding out I was bi. However, that’s not what they said. “He said, G is gay? I was first to call it!” The conversation continued with other people saying they knew earlier, too.
There’s a lot to unpack here, because I didn’t come out to myself until midway through college. Did they know me better than myself? Am I just gay after all? I haven’t dated a woman since coming out and dating men. That’s at least what my friends see me as.
I’m bi. I always have been. Some hometown friends from high school still think I’m straight. Now, my college friends think I’m gay, like being bi is a stepping stone to being gay. For some this may be the case because it is somewhat easier to come out as bi, but it’s not supposed to take anything away from my sexual identity. I’m attracted to men and women, regardless of who I’m dating. No stepping stone, no phase, that’s who I am. Yet, even my friends who claim to be allies can’t accept the nuance of my identity and instead go to one side or another.
Next, I asked myself why they would think that about me before I came out. I thought I was straight passing. Growing up, I was pretty shy and wasn’t very confident in myself. To some, that may have been seen as feminine due to being “submissive” in a sense. I allowed people to walk over me because I didn’t want to cause drama and avoided the spotlight. I never asked to be in the spotlight, and yet I was the subject of their conversation for a very deeply personal part of my life while they played it like a game on who knew first.
What’s worse, if I ever were to bring this up to them, they would say all the supportive things that they do, yet continue the behavior I have experienced due to a lack of understanding of my identity. This is not the only situation I’ve seen with these friends, this is everyone. Even people in the queer community are guilty of questioning my bisexuality. Of course, my family as well. Thinking I am going to somehow change my orientation based on who I’m dating is simply ignorant.
I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from sharing my identity and being misunderstood over and over instead of someone else doing the work for once and trying to understand me better. Yet, we continue to settle to live in a society who doesn’t care to understand who we are, and makes us feel like we’re the problem.
All I know to say at this moment is to stand together with each other. Bi people exist. If you are bi, I stand with you and recognize you for all your nuance and love that you are capable of loving so many people in so many ways. If you aren’t, I ask that you take this opportunity to continue to learn about who we are and consider the words you say to and about bi people. Every bit of change you make for the better creates a more welcoming community for us. It really is as simple as saying, “yes, I see you.” We don’t want to be erased. Stay well, you are valid no matter what anyone says. You know who you are.
G