Category

Acceptance

  • Bi People Exist.

    Why am I having to say this? I thought that my generation understood a little bit of nuance, however it seems that black and white thinking still has a stronghold beyond past generations. Let’s talk about it.

    Recently, my friends talked to me about our mutual friend finding out I was bi. However, that’s not what they said. “He said, G is gay? I was first to call it!” The conversation continued with other people saying they knew earlier, too.

    There’s a lot to unpack here, because I didn’t come out to myself until midway through college. Did they know me better than myself? Am I just gay after all? I haven’t dated a woman since coming out and dating men. That’s at least what my friends see me as.

    I’m bi. I always have been. Some hometown friends from high school still think I’m straight. Now, my college friends think I’m gay, like being bi is a stepping stone to being gay. For some this may be the case because it is somewhat easier to come out as bi, but it’s not supposed to take anything away from my sexual identity. I’m attracted to men and women, regardless of who I’m dating. No stepping stone, no phase, that’s who I am. Yet, even my friends who claim to be allies can’t accept the nuance of my identity and instead go to one side or another.

    Next, I asked myself why they would think that about me before I came out. I thought I was straight passing. Growing up, I was pretty shy and wasn’t very confident in myself. To some, that may have been seen as feminine due to being “submissive” in a sense. I allowed people to walk over me because I didn’t want to cause drama and avoided the spotlight. I never asked to be in the spotlight, and yet I was the subject of their conversation for a very deeply personal part of my life while they played it like a game on who knew first.

    What’s worse, if I ever were to bring this up to them, they would say all the supportive things that they do, yet continue the behavior I have experienced due to a lack of understanding of my identity. This is not the only situation I’ve seen with these friends, this is everyone. Even people in the queer community are guilty of questioning my bisexuality. Of course, my family as well. Thinking I am going to somehow change my orientation based on who I’m dating is simply ignorant.

    I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from sharing my identity and being misunderstood over and over instead of someone else doing the work for once and trying to understand me better. Yet, we continue to settle to live in a society who doesn’t care to understand who we are, and makes us feel like we’re the problem.

    All I know to say at this moment is to stand together with each other. Bi people exist. If you are bi, I stand with you and recognize you for all your nuance and love that you are capable of loving so many people in so many ways. If you aren’t, I ask that you take this opportunity to continue to learn about who we are and consider the words you say to and about bi people. Every bit of change you make for the better creates a more welcoming community for us. It really is as simple as saying, “yes, I see you.” We don’t want to be erased. Stay well, you are valid no matter what anyone says. You know who you are.

    G

  • Isn’t it Easy Being Gay Now?

    Not really.

    I want to talk about a few things about modern queer culture I’ve learned in my experience. Modern queer acceptance is an interesting yet complicated subject that some people believe we have “figured out”. Let me explain.

    I was having a conversation with a family member then they said that I’m accepted in society right now. When they first said that, I didn’t have a great response because, in a lot of ways, they’re right. The gay rights movement has made so much progress and I can’t even imagine what it was like to live in the US when there was no chance of being openly in a couple in public or getting married. But I kept thinking, “then why doesn’t it feel like it?” I think I found a few reasons why.

    First, I had to answer the question, what does it mean to be accepted in society? After all, society is filled with a lot of people we will never meet and have no influence on our lives. To me, being accepted in society means I’m accepted by my family, my friends, and my coworkers. Essentially, all of my social circles’ acceptance of me is what makes me feel welcome in society. These people are the closest to me and those I may have to come out to.

    Another less influential group of people to me personally would be politicians and political media. We are surrounded by news that can influence how we perceive the public opinion on queer rights and even sway the public opinion. Politicians also write the legislation that determine how we get to live and our place in society.

    All of these factors tend to raise anxiety levels when there are so many people that can hurt you just by being yourself. This alone means that there is a lot more nuance about acceptance in modern society than a blanket statement that likely comes from my family member’s perception of mainstream media. With all these factors, for me personally, do I feel accepted?

    For my friends, I absolutely feel accepted by most. It’s pretty easy in my experience to have this, living in a decently large city with queer presence. Friends are also chosen which means, though hard, are not impossible to let go of if they are not accepting. I understand that depending on where you live, you may not have the luxury of choice where everyone seems to think the same, and I’m sorry that you experience that. I hope for those of you in that situation, you will find a source of relief by places like this website where you are truly cared for and can someday find that group for you, too. My experience with my friends doesn’t translate the same for family, however.

    My family is not very accepting. I would consider most of my family members as tolerating my sexuality, and it definitely takes a toll on you. I don’t feel welcome to share my personal life with them when it comes to relationships because when I do, there are awkward reactions that I feel would be very different if I were dating a girl. As I’ve also shared before, there is a bias towards who I date. Check that article out here. They simply have no choice in who I date, which leaves them with being tolerant yet praying and wishing for me to “follow a different path” in life.

    There is not much to say yet about my coworkers because they are not aware of my sexuality. However, I don’t see that as an issue as many are around my age and seem to be accepting without any clear evidence to speak either way.

    If it wasn’t already abundantly clear in the news, there are a number of politicians who think very differently about us, or at least their platform runs on this. I believe it has to do with the recent harmful speech about trans rights that has caused the most uproar and a feeling of moving backwards in society. I do not feel supported or represented by US politicians or in recent elections, though I believe there is enough we see on the news that I don’t need to further explain. It hurts me that many people overlook social issues in the name of their wallets, despite moral concern for safety and wellbeing of other people in your same country.

    Being accepted is a complicated idea to express. It is a feeling we experience from a combination of the people around us treating us as humans, not differently based on who we are. Whether you have accepting friends, family, coworkers, or other social circles or not, know that there are resources available to you. Even though this website can’t give you new friends or family, I hope that it brings you some peace knowing that you are not alone. There are other people out here that feel like you do, understand and validate your feelings and who you are, and truly care about you as a human. Those people are who deserve the closest place to your heart and will make this life just a little more fulfilling. Stay well and keep fighting for your place in society, you deserve it.

    G

  • It’s Not a Choice.

    It feels unnecessary to say, but sexuality is not a choice. Sexuality is not a lifestyle. Why would this be such a hard concept to grasp?

    I came out almost two years ago as bi-questioning, then bisexual, but the questions have never ended. I’d like to address a few of these in the hopes that one more person can understand who we are better.

    What percentage men and women? How about now?

    There is no percentage. Sexuality isn’t a math equation that gives you a probability of who I date. Even if there was, how would I calculate it? Give me every qualified partner option and I’ll swipe left or right? It’s an exhausting question that has led me to feel more confused during my bi-questioning journey.

    Are you just gay?

    No. I’m bi.

    I feel so invalidated when this question arises. I started dating a man, so I was in a gay-presenting relationship. My relationship does not change my sexuality.

    I believe that we as humans seek to find the black and white— that is, all or nothing, not a little bit of both. However, we can always do better to understand the nuance of each situation and life as a whole.

    Can you try a girl this time?

    After my breakup, I was asked to try a girl this time. Shockingly, this is not the same as trying a new ice cream flavor.

    I’m not sure if this was out of hope that I would date a girl, but it is a statement that makes me question my motivation for who I date. Do I want to date them because of who they are, who my family doesn’t want me to date, or who my family does want me to date? There’s no reason I should date out of spite or obligation because that will lead to hurt for everyone involved.

    I am a bisexual man. To me, this means that when I’m looking for a partner, the last thing I care about is gender. I do not choose who I am attracted to. I believe that it is beautiful that I am capable of loving so many people, and that doesn’t mean I have to hurt anyone because of it.

    Remember that you are deserving of greater love than being reduced to your sexuality. You are a person with so much love to give, so much compassion and understanding of the world, and you have something amazing to offer the world.

    G

  • Giving Thanks for What?

    Sometimes during the holidays I feel like there’s nothing to be thankful for. After being out to my family for two years and having dated someone of the same gender, I would think they were used to it. Instead, we hold the same conversations, disagree about the same things, and they still believe the same misconceptions. How could that be?

    I would hope the words I speak are being listened to, but I have a hard time believing that is the case. I often feel that I put a lot of effort into understanding my family, but that is not reciprocated. If this continues, how can I be thankful for them? Thanks for not kicking me out!

    In all seriousness, it can be hard to even show up at family events such as Thanksgiving knowing you are always going to be seen as different. Having this feeling of judgement about your life and how you choose to live. This leads us to the question, what can we be thankful for this season?

    Remember that we have community.

    We all have someone who loves us unconditionally. That could be a family member, coworker, friend, or someone on the other side of a helpline. It doesn’t matter who it is, there is always someone willing to give you the love you deserve.

    Queer TV and Movies

    For me, it’s been great to see a number of TV shows and movies with queer representation, including more bisexual men. While it’s left to be said if it is changing the culture around these topics, it gives us some comfort watching a show that can really resonate with who we are.

    You

    This website is about a lot of things. Whether you have to deal with the battle of acceptance from your family based on who you are or your religious beliefs, it can be very exhausting to have to continue to explain yourself. However, you know who you are. You don’t have to explain yourself to yourself. Self-love comes at no consequence because there’s no condition and no strings attached.

    Be thankful you have yourself for this journey, and you will never leave your side. It may sound silly to read at first, but it’s true. Cook for yourself, go to the gym, or get enough sleep. Whatever you would consider a loving action for someone else, you can take that action for yourself too.

    No matter where you are, there is a place where you belong. Whether it means you spend Thanksgiving with your family or not, you deserve respect. Take care of yourself and remember you have so much love to give to those who will accept it.

    G