It’s Not a Choice.

It feels unnecessary to say, but sexuality is not a choice. Sexuality is not a lifestyle. Why would this be such a hard concept to grasp?

I came out almost two years ago as bi-questioning, then bisexual, but the questions have never ended. I’d like to address a few of these in the hopes that one more person can understand who we are better.

What percentage men and women? How about now?

There is no percentage. Sexuality isn’t a math equation that gives you a probability of who I date. Even if there was, how would I calculate it? Give me every qualified partner option and I’ll swipe left or right? It’s an exhausting question that has led me to feel more confused during my bi-questioning journey.

Are you just gay?

No. I’m bi.

I feel so invalidated when this question arises. I started dating a man, so I was in a gay-presenting relationship. My relationship does not change my sexuality.

I believe that we as humans seek to find the black and white— that is, all or nothing, not a little bit of both. However, we can always do better to understand the nuance of each situation and life as a whole.

Can you try a girl this time?

After my breakup, I was asked to try a girl this time. Shockingly, this is not the same as trying a new ice cream flavor.

I’m not sure if this was out of hope that I would date a girl, but it is a statement that makes me question my motivation for who I date. Do I want to date them because of who they are, who my family doesn’t want me to date, or who my family does want me to date? There’s no reason I should date out of spite or obligation because that will lead to hurt for everyone involved.

I am a bisexual man. To me, this means that when I’m looking for a partner, the last thing I care about is gender. I do not choose who I am attracted to. I believe that it is beautiful that I am capable of loving so many people, and that doesn’t mean I have to hurt anyone because of it.

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Remember that you are deserving of greater love than being reduced to your sexuality. You are a person with so much love to give, so much compassion and understanding of the world, and you have something amazing to offer the world.

G